This is an open letter to all Michael Bay fans. We are three crew members that have worked with Michael for the past ten years. Last week we read the terrible article with inflammatory, truly trashing quotes by the Ms. Fox about Michael Bay. This letter is to set a few things straight.

Yes, Megan has great eyes, a tight stomach we spray with glycerin, and an awful silly Marilyn Monroe tattoo plastered on her arm that we cover up to keep the moms happy.

Michael found this shy, inexperienced girl, plucked her out of total obscurity thus giving her the biggest shot of any young actresses’ life. He told everyone around to just trust him on his choice. He granted her the starring role in Transformers, a franchise that forever changed her life; she became one of the most googled and oogled women on earth. She was famous! She was the next Angelina Jolie, hooray! Wait a minute, two of us worked with Angelina – second thought – she’s no Angelina. You see, Angelia is a professional.

We know this quite intimately because we’ve had the tedious experience of working with the dumb-as-a-rock Megan Fox on both Transformers movies. We’ve spent a total of 12 months on set making these two movies.

We are in different departments; we can’t give our names because sadly doing so in Hollywood could lead to being banished from future Paramount work. One of us touches Megan’s panties, the other has the often shitty job of pulling Ms. Sour pants out of her trailer, while another is near the Panaflex camera that helps to memorialize the valley girl on film.

Megan has the press fooled. When we read those magazines we wish we worked with that woman. Megan knows how to work her smile for the press. Those writers should try being on set for two movies, sadly she never smiles. The cast, crew and director make Transformers a really fun and energetic set. We’ve traveled around the world together, so we have never understood why Megan was always such – the grump of the set?

When facing the press, Megan is the queen of talking trailer trash and posing like a porn star. And yes we’ve had the unbearable time of watching her try to act on set, and yes, it’s very cringe-able. So maybe, being a porn star in the future might be a good career option. But make-up beware, she has a paragraph tattooed to her backside (probably due her rotten childhood) easily another 45 minutes in the chair!

So when the three of us caught wind of Ms Fox, pontificating yet again in some publication (like she actually has something interesting to say) blabbing her trash mouth about a director whom we three have grown to really like. She compared working with Michael, to “working with Hitler”. We actually don’t think she knows who Hitler is by the way. But we wondered how she doesn’t realize what a disgusting, fully uneducated comment this was? Well, here let’s get some facts straight.

Say what you want about Michael – yes at times he can be hard, but he’s also fun, and he challenges everyone for a reason – he simply wants people to bring their ‘A’ game. He comes very prepared, knows exactly what he wants, involves the crew and expects everyone to follow through with his or her best, and that includes the actors. He’s one of the hardest working directors out there.

He gets the best from his crews, many of whom have worked with him for 15 years. And yes, he’s loyal, one of the few directors we’ve encountered who lowered his fee by millions to keep Transformers in the United States and California, so he could work with his own crew.

Megan says that Transformers was an unsafe set? Come on Megan, we know it is a bit more strenuous then the playground at the trailer park, but you don’t insult one of the very best stunt and physical effects teams in the business! Not one person got hurt!

And who is the real Megan Fox? She is very different than the academy nominee and winning actors we’ve all worked around. She’s as about ungracious a person as you can ever fathom. She shows little interest in the crew members around her. We work to make her look good in every way, but she’s absolutely never appreciative of anyone’s hard work. Never a thank you. All the crewmembers have stopped saying hi to Ms. Princess because she never says hello back. It gets tiring. Many think she just really hates the process of being an actress.

Megan has been late to the sets many times. She goes through the motions that make her exude this sense of misery. We’ve heard the A.D’s piped over the radio that Megan won’t walk from her trailer until John Turturro walks first! John’s done seventy-five movies and she’s made two!

Never expect Megan to attend any of the 15 or so crew parties like all the other actors have. And then there’s the classless night she blew off The Royal Prince of Jordan who made a special dinner for all the actors. She doesn’t know that one of the grips daughters wanted to visit their daddy’s work to meet Megan, but he wouldn’t let them come because he told them “she is not nice.”

The press certainly doesn’t know her most famous line. On our first day in Egypt, the Egyptian government wouldn’t let us shoot because of a permit problem as the actors got ready in make up at the Four Seasons Hotel. Michael tried to make the best of it; he wanted to take the cast and crew on a private tour of the famous Giza pyramids. God hold us witness, Megan said, “I can’t believe Michael is [frick]ing forcing us to go to the [frick]ing pyramids!” I guess this is the “Hitler guy” she is referring to.

So this is the Megan Fox you don’t get to see. Maybe she will learn, but we figure if she can sling insults, then she can take them too. Megan really is a thankless, classless, graceless, and shall we say unfriendly bitch. It’s sad how fame can twist people, and even sadder that young girls look up to her. If only they knew who they’re really looking up to.

But ‘Fame’ is fleeting. We, being behind the scenes, seen em’ come and go. Hopefully Michael will have Megatron squish her character in the first ten minutes of Transformers 3. We can tell you that will make the crew happy!

-Loyal Transformers Crew

On his blog, Michael Bay writes back:

I don’t condone the crew letter to Megan. And I don’t condone Megan’s outlandish quotes. But her crazy quips are part of her crazy charm. The fact of the matter I still love working with her, and I know we still get along. I even expect more crazy quotes from her on Transformers 3.

Whatever. The whole thing is probably a publicity stunt.

The comedian caused a security panic when he stormed onto the catwalk Thursday, interrupting designer Agatha Ruiz de la Prada’s show in Milan. Cohen jumped on stage dressed up as his Austrian model character, Bruno, the subject of his latest mockumentary film. He then made his way down the catwalk, past the other models, and was wearing so many layers of clothing he could have been modeling for the Olsen twins’ collection! And, after he refused to leave, police had to be called in.

This is most likely going to appear in his upcoming movie, Bruno: Delicious Journeys Through America for the Purpose of Making Heterosexual Male.

For three years I have been wanting to cut my hair. It’s been long for about 15 bloody years. If I had not been working on a television series I would have cut it a while ago. I suppose this is kind of an expression of freedom, haha. Us gals tend to have so much tied up in hair. There is like this emotional attachment to it, and it is apparently a REALLY big deal to cut it all off…in one go. I had a plethora or offers to come with, to document, and I just went in there on my own and Sarah (she is the key hairstylist on Smallville, and is freakin rad) tied it in a ponytail and sawed the sucker off…

Police this week learned of the sickening incident while investigating an unrelated credit card theft allegedly pulled off by the three defendants, each of whom was arrested Wednesday and charged with abusing a corpse, a misdemeanor. Kevin Jones (left) and Matthew Gonzalez, both 17, posed for the mug shots you’ll find above. Court records identify the third grave desecrator as Matthew Rule, 16. The May 7 probable cause affidavit, filed in Harris County District Court, does not indicate why the teens dug up the body of Willie Simms, a child who reportedly died in the 1920s.

Here is a transcription of the probable cause document:

PROBABLE CAUSE

YOUR AFFIANT, JIM ADKINS IS A PEACE OFFICER WITH THE HOUSTON POLICE DEPARTMENT. AFFIANT HAS REASON TO BELIEVE AND DOES BELIEVE MATTHEW RULE, MATTHEW GONZALEZ AND KEVIN JONES HEREAFTER REFERRED TO AS DEFENDANTS, WHO COMMITTED THE MISDEMEANOR OFFENSE OF ABUSE OF A CORPSE AT 600 PM 1960 EAST IN HUMBLE, HARRIS COUNTY, TEXAS.

AFFIANT BASES HIS BELIEF ON THE FOLLOWING:

ON OR ABOUT THE DATE OF MARCH 15, 2008 IN THE INCORPORATED CITY LIMITS OF HUMBLE, HARRIS COUNTY TEXAS, THE LISTED DEFENDANTS DUG UP A GRAVE SITE AND KNOCKED THE HEAD STONE DOWN OF THE DECEASED TO THE GROUND IN AN ATTEMPT TO DECAPATE [sic] A CORPSE. DEFENDANT, WITHOUT LEGAL AUTHORITY, KNOWINGLY DISTURBED A HUMAN CORPSE, NAMELY THE CORPSE OF WILLIE SIMMS.

The courtroom outburst was captured by a court recorder in sketch form:

The lawyer, Fiona Shackleton, is known as Steel Magnolia and has represented the Prince of Wales and Duke of York. Her composure is remarkable.

From the red, irritated color of his eyes, it looks like Ne yo might have a bit to drink too!

Given that she describes herself as a human pet – and is happy to walk around on a lead – Tasha Maltby is used to odd looks and even odder remarks. But nothing had prepared her for the reaction of the bus driver who allegedly told the self-styled Goth and her boyfriend: “We don’t let freaks and dogs like you on.”

While the guy looks like a dark, 18th century gentleman, and the pet looks tired and vacant, they’re both just regular people who deserve the same rights as anyone else. Most couple’s bonds are just words on paper and perhaps emotional bonds of love, while Tasha Maltby and Dani Graves tie themselves together with steel and a unique relationship. Why is that so hard to accept?

Rihanna with her famous umbrella… added in later

Rihanna looks better with just water

The most provocative of the photoshop jobs

Everything has become too smooth …

The moral of the story is that in today’s Dystopia, believe nothing you see. Everything can literally be faked to confuse any of the five senses.

It’s cute, but we’re not sure that there needs to be another addition to the Federline line, as he already has four children. We’re hoping this new year’s hookup never happened, but if it did, we know what their mutual new year’s resolutions are going to be!

• J Lo’s expensive imported Candles Diptyque – Tuberose, Figure, Heliotrope
• Peter Gabriel’s relaxing/deep muscle massage in a hippy style
• The Nine Inch Nails need two (2) Boxes of Corn Starch (VERY IMPORTANT!)
• THERE IS TO BE NO BEEF … IN THE VICINITY OF 50 CENT’S DRESSING OR CATERING ROOMS
• Iggy Pop confuses with No toy robots, television evangelists … No plastic seahorses, no bailiwicks…

If you can’t get enough, you should try reading all 18 pages of Iggy Pop’s concert rider, which is hilarious.